The FREE PRESS

CACOPHONY OF SILENCE GREETS BLAIR AS HE PAYS A VISIT – Prime Minister Tony Blair is at a loss to explain it and so are many of the staff at No 10. For the past few months, Blair, (or “Egotistical, vain glorious, airhead, banker controlled muppet” as he is known in the pubs and clubs of England) has received no applause or supportive comments for going to the toilet. Tony is having a hard time with this one” said an unnamed spokesperson, although we can reveal that person to be Arthur Thames, one of the nightwatchmen at No 10. Mr Thames went on “Mr Blair has been going to the toilet for years and as far as I know, this is the first time that when he leaves the throne room he is not greeted by thunderous and rapturous applause. It’s unsettling him. His moods are darker and it much more subdued here at No 10.”
At the heart of the Prime Minister’s toilet troubles is that a recent poll showed this to be the one area on which he has consistently scored strongly. Many pundits observe that Mr Blair’s going to the toilet was about the only competent thing he has done for the last 5 years. And to a man who has made public relations a mainstay of his time as Prime Minister, the drop in his approval ratings on the toilet may be too much to bear.
Problems of this kind for Prime Ministers are not new of course. In the mid 1960’s Harold Wilson’s pipe smoking skills were disparaged relentlessly by the media and leading politicians. The whole issue came to a head at Chequers in 1967 when Wilson dropped hot ash in the lap of the then US President Lyndon Johnson. In trying to retrieve the smouldering mass, Wilson accidently harpooned Johnson in the eye with the wet end of his pipe causing Johnson to squint for several years afterwards. Margaret Thatcher also suffered, notably when it was discovered that her bottom had become exceptionally hard and was impervious to any sensations of touch. The bottom kicking antics of Tory back benchers made front page news when it was revealed that many of them had twisted their ankles and in one case (Reginald Maudling) had broken a shinbone whilst trying to kick Mrs Thatcher’s bottom. Thatcher of course recovered from this setback and ironically was roundly applauded for her bottom when it became known that it had enabled her to sit down for up to 18 hours at a time and soundly negotiate better terms in Europe for the UK at that time.
For Blair however, his reliance on spin makes his plight even tougher than that of Wilson or Thatcher. Toilet activity is seen as a private affair yet allowing the cameras in and sharing these moments with the British public may now be his only option to boost his toilet ratings. Wilson and Thatcher may also become his inspiration; a pipe and a hard bottom could come in very handy when contemplating public policy on the toilet for long hours at a time, particularly with a television crew in there with him.