PARMA, Italy - - Three years ago Dr Eugene Mazzoli from the University of Parma began an anthropological study of politicians. Sponsored by Wazooli the Italian childrens TV show, his primary focus was to study the sleeping patterns of politicians whilst in power. Conventional wisdom at the time was that politicians slept for more than 90% of the day, with a few fitful waking moments usually filled with gibberish. Brain activity was also believed to be extremely low, practically non-existant. But Mazzoli’s findings released in his recent report “Politicians May Have Brains” has rocked the established paradigm and ruffled several feathers.
We were unable to establish any link with intelligence however. Politicians are truly little better than monkeys in that regard and aberrated monkeys at that.
“We did not set out to find brain activity in politicians. Given the paucity of data in this area who would?” Mazzoli stated during a recent press conference at the Wazooli studios. The immaculately dressed 55 year old Milanese Doctor was oblivious to the irony inherent in his comments. In the background Rip Van Bazooka, the corpulent Wazooli child entertainer could be seen throwing custard pies into a stunned audience of mainly children. It was not lost on anyone that Mazzoli’s comments thrown out to the 50 or so journalists in attendance were having a similar effect.
“No one bothered to check to see if politicians had brains or intelligence as it was self evident from recorded history that they were lacking in both.” said Mazzoli. “Now we can clearly show that they do have active brains. It is not much activity that is true, but it is there. We were unable to establish any link with intelligence however. Politicians are truly little better than monkeys in that regard and aberrated monkeys at that. But given time and the right training, the small fluttering of brain activity we saw could develop into something substantial.”
Many of those gathered at the press conference laughed off the idea. “Mazzoli has misread the data and is beginning to think like a monkey himself” said Serge Hendricks, outgoing Professor of Spanners at the University of Heidelberg. “What he has done is to confuse flatulence with brain activity. The readings he obtained during the vast majority of his field trials are consistent with persistent flatulence, a condition we know for certain is prevalent amongst all politicians. It is these deep reverberating anal tremors that he has detected. An understandable mistake as most researchers have always agreed that if any brain activity in politicians were to be located, it would be found first in the rectal area. But he can’t see the wood for the trees.”
The counter arguments are varied. Elizabeth Vermin an oncologist from Edinburgh felt that Mazzoli had become too involved in the project and had let subjective feelings override his clinical observations. There was much support for her stance but the views of Serge Hendricks are the ones with the largest backing amongst the dissenters. A small but substantial group however are moving over to Mazzoli’s side and with each additional adherent, Mazzoli and his team grow in confidence that they have discovered something truly amazing.
The following morning after the press conference, I find Dr Mazzoli slurping his way through a cappucino, some froth conspicuously embedded in his moustache. He smiles at me and calls me over. “Look at that” he says pointing to a small procession moving across the piazza below. I note four men stood in a ramshackle circle arrangement, swaying gently on their feet as if they have been asked to replicate the movement of a palm leaf on a breezy day. “All those men were once politicians” he says. “Now look at them. They can almost talk.” I look again and see one of the men mouth the word “Sausage” but barely a sound escapes his lips. “We still have a little more work to do with them but the progress we have made so far is remarkable.”
Not convinced, I ask him why he has not made this aspect of his work public. “You saw how difficult it was yesterday” he says. “If we present too much too soon, this work will never be understood.” One of the four men looks strikingly similar to my local MP from Prestatyn some twenty odd years ago and I remark on this to Mazzoli. “That’s my father, he’s guiding them” he says.
A fictionalised film account has already been planned on Dr Mazzoli’s work. Mazzoli was invited to play himself but declined, although rumour has it that he will play Serge Hendrick for added irony. Filming is due to start later this year with Tom Hanks likely to play Mazzoli. “The film will bring extra additional funds in for the work. For me and my team we see it as a way of enabling us to do more in this area. If we go on to find intelligence inside politicians that will make the problems we have encountered so far seem very small by comparison.”
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