The FREE PRESS

WASHINGTON, 4 July, 2007 - Dick Cheney, right hand man to President George W Bush, the man known to have put the “vice” into the US Vice Presidency, today stunned colleagues by announcing his departure from politics. Cheney, 66, plans to open a chain of bakers shops called “Dick’s Doughnuts”.

“Dick does eat them every day, but not twenty, more like five or six”

“Dick has always loved baking” said Lars Meathook, an old friend of Cheney’s who has accompanied him several times on shooting trips. “Dick has many sides to him and one has been baking. It’s been a problem for him, his heart condition hasn’t been helped by it, he eats quite a lot of what he bakes”. Indeed, it has been the stuff of gossip and rumour for several months that Cheney was eating up to twenty doughnuts a day.

“Dick does eat them every day, but not twenty, more like five or six” said Meathook. It was their mutual love of cakes that brought Meathook and Cheney together. “On the first shooting trip I took some battenburg and profiteroles. Me and Dick wolfed ‘em down and we’ve been friends ever since”. Meathook has a weakness for marzipan and fairy cakes and suffers from “farzipancreitas”, a growing medical condition that can cause hypertension and temporary blackouts.

Photographs taken of Cheney several years ago showed him in full bakers regalia, apron, hat, burning oven in the background, a circle of ginger bread men, his face speckled with large dollops of doughnut mixture. It was rumoured at the time that Cheney was a member of the secret order of “The Bakers” a group said to be even more powerful than the Masons or Skull and Bones of which President Bush is a known member. But his open move as a real baker along with the support given him by his wife and close friends has put all that behind him.

To some however the move is a cynical one. Charles Lemon, political analyst for Donkey Doughnuts, who will no doubt be in competition with Dicks Doughnuts later this year, sees this is a diversion. “Cheney is a member of The Bakers” asserts Lemon. “This is a ruse by him, a sort of double bluff, something which he is known for. A leopard don’t change its spots”.

The Bakers dark reputation stems from their supposed ability to carry out assasination via cakes and assorted types of bread. Teacakes have also been used. An international order that began in France during the French revolution, the Bakers are said to have been the advisors to Marie Antoinette.

According to Lemon, when she said “Let them eat cake” it was a code signalling the Bakers to begin a series of murders. But due to a rolling pin shortage the plan never came to fruition. The Bakers were discovered and many fled to America. Lacking the complex baking recipes of the French wing of the order, the American Bakers were left to start again and hit upon the doughnut as a way back to power.

Throughout this and the debate that is sure to follow, Cheney has been unavailable. His predilection for machiavellian financial arrangements has seen him off the Washington radar for several months. As Christopher Storey has reported extensively at World Reports, Cheney is under suspicion for acquiring and using trillions of dollars illegally stolen from Leo Wanta. If that turns out to be true, then Cheney’s only route back to the bakery may be via prison cell.

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